After the death of my father in 1982, Starleaf became very interested in death and dying. This initially led to her becoming a hospice volunteer and then serving on the hospice board of directors. Over the years, she amassed a small library of books, tapes, CDs and DVDs on the subject. She discussed death many times and let me and Monica know that she wanted to control her own death rather than sinking into a state of dementia or other loss of physical control – control was very important to her.
With this background, when she told me of her decision to do the VSED in about three months, I was not surprised by the decision but certainly received the news with a jolt of apprehension about handling the VSED and my life afterwards. After the shock wore off, I just focused on taking one step at a time. I never had any trouble accepting her decision (I rarely, if ever, had difficulty accepting her decisions – probably a significant reason we spent 40 years together!).
Thank God for Monica
In recent years, after her own children were grown, Monica had time to connect more strongly with her mom. Their bond was very strong. Fortunately, Monica was able to be around either physically or electronically (phone, email, text) during the entire period preceding and during the VSED. I tried to allow them to maximize their time together.
Monica has, and her mom had, a decisive, action-oriented approach to jumping in instantly and handing any problem while I have an engineering temperament that wants to fully analyze every aspect of the problem before taking any action. My 40 years with Starleaf taught me how those two approaches can work together in a very complementary manner. As a result, it was easy to share decision-making with Monica as Starleaf (“the star of the show,” as she put it) stepped into the background while we made VSED preparations. Monica never made a decision or suggestion that I was unhappy with and was always careful to honor my own bond with her mother.
Ron and Monica, 1993
Clouds, Sunshine and Fireworks
Our household was under a dark cloud for the first three months of 2018: Starleaf’s pains and her drug side effects were smothering her innate joyfulness. This period culminated when our planned March trip to the Oregon coast had to be canceled: her body could no longer handle the slightly-more-than-one-hour drive. For at least 10 years, these Oregon coast trips to our favorite locale were her break from being stuck at home – now this was being taken away.
After her decision to do the VSED, the dark cloud lifted. Starleaf spent a bright and joyful three months saying goodbye to the loved ones in her life, giving away mementos, clothing and other items, and generally enjoying her life. She seemed very at peace with life; minor problems or plans gone awry no longer bothered her.
When the fasting began, Starleaf sparkled like a roman candle. She had wanted us to provide for both emotional support (by having me or Monica, sometimes Stacey or David, around at all times) and physical support by hired caregivers to handle any of her bodily needs. As it turned out, the caregivers were all warmhearted, outgoing people who connected pretty instantly with Starleaf. During the first 12 days of fasting, Starleaf excitedly spent about 12 hours each day sharing life stories with the caregivers (and giving them life tips and advice – a teacher always!). She was delighted to go through our wedding and European trip photo albums, as well as other stacks of photos, with these new people in her life.
The End
On day 13, when I came on-shift and gave the 3:00 am morphine dose, Starleaf awakened and was restless, obviously uncomfortable and only semi-conscious until late in the evening. At one point in the early morning, when I was having trouble getting the 1-ounce spray bottle to properly squirt into her mouth, she grabbed the bottle, unscrewed the top and swigged down the contents (about ¼ ounce). After that, I only filled the bottle ¼ full; however, I think Starleaf may have grabbed the bottle in humor (she could no longer speak full phrases at that point) since she did not do any subsequent bottle grabs. It’s easy for me to believe she was still expressing slapstick humor even at this stage (we both loved Monty Python!).
On day 14, when I again gave the 3:00 am morphine dose to Starleaf, I was afraid of awakening her to another day of restlessness. I was very happy she did not awaken and I stayed as quiet as possible so as not to disturb her. However, when the daytime caregiver arrived and began reading Rumi poetry to Starleaf, I was sorry I had not been reading love poems to her in the night.
In retrospect, I believe that Starleaf had us underdose her with morphine during the entire fast. She strongly wanted to maintain full consciousness for her interactions with the caregivers and to know everything that was going on around her. After the first day of the fast (her first day on morphine rather than her previous pain drugs), she said that her pain level was higher than with her usual drugs. However, she said she did not want a higher level of morphine and stayed at the original level until day 10 when she could no longer walk (moving her at that point caused her a lot of pain). Then she stayed at the day-10 dosage until the evening of day 13, the night before her death.
During the fasting, I never saw Starleaf indicate unhappiness with the process of her approaching death. She always seemed calm and content, often joyful, with an occasional tinge of sadness at leaving her loved ones. One of the tenets that Starleaf developed from her study of Buddhist philosophy was to meet all events in life with friendliness and curiosity. I believe she met death in the same way.
… And After
Starleaf wanted her body to remain in our home for three days following her death and Monica coordinated with the county medical examiner and funeral home to arrange this. Although I expected this to be one of the hardest aspects of her death for me to handle, it did not turn out that way. Although her body was there, the Starleaf presence was gone.
At the end of the three days, I also went with Monica to watch the body of Starleaf be cremated. Again, I expected this to be hard but it was not since the Starleaf presence was no longer with the body. After the cremation (a several-hour process) started, Monica and I went for a walk in the same park where her mother and I had taken our last nature walk.
One of the Buddhist caregivers gave me a translation of The Prayer of Kuntuzangpo to be recited for 49 days following her death. I did do the prayer for the 49 days.
Grieving
Ron’s letter to Starleaf as part of a grief group exercise three months after her death:
Dear Starleaf,
I miss you!
I miss:
hugs,
daily foot rubs,
smooches,
sharing,
food treats,
decision help,
esthetic help,
editing,
making appointments for me,
evenings watching dramas and comedy (I still watch Netflix dramas),
going to events,
your humor,
bringing you cards and stickers,
getting your cards and stickers,
your sweet etcetera (thanks to E. E. Cummings!)
YOU!
(Several pages of newsy comments omitted.)
I am very surprised that this turned out to be a newsletter rather than a feelings dump. You did such a wonderful job of bringing joy to my life, Starleaf. Then Awakening Joy helped me to assimilate it even better. Although the news above looks like I have been very busy, I do believe, especially just after your death, that I have given myself a chance to revel in my grief – but I am happily finding mostly joy in life. I NEVER have trouble finding joys for my journal and am constantly touting to others the value of being always on the lookout for joy.
I will love you forever.
Starleaf VSED 