Dear Loved One,
The past six months have been terrible for me. A physical therapy program for Parkinson’s patients resulted in elevating my headaches and neck and shoulder pain to new levels that have never backed down. Trials of different pain drugs resulted in no pain reduction and unwanted side effects, including confusion and feeling loss of control.
My original neck and shoulder pain resulted from injuries suffered when a van struck my stopped car almost 40 years ago. Progressive increases of that pain, abetted by foot and other bodily problems, have caused me to be increasingly home-bound over the last 10-15 years.
Additionally, I’m aware that progression of my Parkinson’s Disease will cause further physical and mental deterioration in the future. While my symptoms have mostly been controlled by Parkinson’s drugs, the unpleasant side effects keep increasing as the dosages are ramped up. My original neurologist told me that I would have bad days and good days: five years after that diagnosis, I’m having mostly bad days … and the good days are not so good.
As a result of these factors, I’ve decided to end this misery by voluntarily stopping eating and drinking (VSED, as Compassion and Choices calls it) shortly after my birthday in July. I was trained as a hospice worker in California and Oregon, and have been supporting right-to-die programs for about 35 years. Now it’s my turn to make practical use of the knowledge.
My husband, Ron, and daughter, Monica, are both sad but supportive of my choice. We’ve done a lot of clearing out of my “stuff” around the house and gone through old photos to relive memories. It really feels like a cleansing and healing experience for us all.
Outwardly, I am still perky and animated but tire easily. I’ve also developed “pseudobulbar affect” which results in my weeping at the slightest bit of poignancy when I’m not really sad. About an hour of interaction at a time is all that works well for me.
On the bright side, I do have a special physical therapist and an acupuncturist who can provide me some comfort. I’m mostly successful at scheduling appointments with both of them each week. Additionally, for the first time in years, I have better fitting shoes (the tribulations of long, narrow feet). I still find joy in watching the squirrels, birds and other critters in our back yard, watching comedy on Netflix, reading and other parts of daily life.
Thanks for bringing joy to my life. I feel well loved.
Karen Starleaf
Starleaf VSED 